Splurch Academy for Disruptive Boys

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Dangerous Reading

On today's menu at Splurch Academy: live octopus, if you can catch it, with a side of cabbage salad. Thank you, Griselda.

The chroniclers of Cody Mack's exploits at Splurch Academy for Disruptive Boys would like you to know that it isn't all fun and games around here. We toil, we sweat, we create piles of erasures and we think large thoughts. Just today, our fearless research into Book Four, as yet untitled but 99% certain to contain the word "Squid" in its name, led us into the blood-chilling depths of the prehistoric deep. We learned that female anglerfish are clustered with parasitic male anglerfish, who have no means of living or eating on their own, and can only survive long enough to find a female and bite on for dear life. Eventually the male is digested and assimilated into the female's body. We refer you that honey of a photo, above.

We furthermore studied several of the great aquatic reptiles and of the cretaceous era, and the massive sharks of bygone prehistoric days, the likes of which make today's great whites look like bandminton-playing grannies by comparison. So never accuse us of not hefting our fair share of mental anguish in pursuit of great literature. We've done actual internet research. Our commission is a hefty one, but here at Splurch Academy, we shirk not from the task.

Bon appetit.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Store-bought Doopy Donuts on us, in cupcake form

“Donuts!” Carlos whimpered. “Donuts!”
“Not just donuts,” Cody said. “Store-bought Doopy Powdered Donuts!”
-- from Curse of the Bizarro Beetle

Calling all Upstate New Yorkers, and those who aspire so to be ...

After toiling away over hot computers for the past two years to bring the world our opus, Splurch Academy for Disruptive Boys, we have neither principles nor morals left. We are not above bribery, in any of its forms, to get bodies to our release party on Friday, August 20 at 7 p.m. at the Pittsford, NY (Rochester) Barnes & Noble store in the Pittsford Plaza, 3349 Monroe Avenue, Rochester, NY. We will bring cupcakes. Store-bought Wegmans cupcakes. If you won't come for Literature, come for the snacks.

If you'd prefer store-bought Doopy powdered donuts, just let us know.

News from Splurch Academy

On today's lunch menu in the Splurch Academy kitchens: Poacher's Pie (Mashed Turnips over Mole Stew). Thank you, Griselda.

School is always in session at Splurch Academy. No summer vacations here. So Cody Mack and his friends Carlos, Mugsy, Ratface, Sully, and Victor will not be available to visit their local bookstore on August 12, 2010, the day that the first two volumes of their chronicled exploits go on sale in the U.S. and Canada.

But the rest of you have no excuse for playing hookey.

The Rat Brain Fiasco and Curse of the Bizarro Beetle are the first two titles, followed in early 2011 by The Colossal Fossil Freakout, and later on that year by something, as yet untitled, involving squids.

Disruptive students everywhere -- we call on you to read the Splurch Academy books as cautionary tales. Let them serve as a warning to you to mend your ways -- or at least be a little more crafty about not getting caught. For if you don't, Headmaster Archibald Farley and his crew of cretins awaits you. And then something far more fearsome than Poacher's Pie may end up on the menu. Something with your name on it.

Stay tuned. And stay alert.